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meiface, suxing and meme: KANER HEDGEHOG
louise: lfdksaj omg what are you doing what is this picture even
also why is it kaner i don't get it
me: because it's small and cute
IDK JUST GO WITH IT
if kaner turned into a hedgehog
and tazer carried him everywhere in his pocket
and slept with kaner on his pillow
and kaner bit his nose
do i need to continue
louise: i feel like that would be kind of hazardous like
what if tazer shifted
and like
hedgehog!kaner rolled onto his face
wouldn't that be painful b/c needles! needles are kind of painful??
me:DAMN YOU AND YOUR LOGIC
mei: YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY CONTINUE
ALSO THE CAPS ARE UP ON THE BRUINS 2-0
me: fine, fine, so kaner hedgehog gets his own pillow. tazer tries to leave him out in the living room, in a nest of cushions on the sectional, but kaner hedgehog just squeals at him and manages to look distraught. his tiny hedgehog ears are drooping. tazer scoops him up carefully in one hand. "you're so demanding, you fucker," he growls, and kaner hedgehog grunts back at him. "you should have been turned into a hamster instead." kaner hedgehog grunts again, and curls up into a ball. his spines prickle against tazer's palm.
kaner's always complained about tazer's flat being slightly chilly. it makes sense that kaner hedgehog would as well. the problem is that kaner hedgehog can't talk, so tazer just ignores his pathetic little squeaks and carries on as usual. that's the first day kaner spends as a hedgehog. he notices kaner hedgehog being kind of sluggish the next morning, when he wakes up. kaner hedgehog isn't even on the pillow; he's slipped into the gap between the pillow and the headboard, and is curled up. it takes a fair amount of coaxing for kaner hedgehog to open his eyes, and crawl onto tazer's hand.
tazer puts it down to human kaner's crankiness in the morning transferring through. but then he takes kaner hedgehog to the rink for optional skate. coach q lets kaner hedgehog burrow under his jacket and into his neck during training, so only his nose is peeping out of the collar of his jacket. no one dares go near coach q, but sharpy's got the softest grin on his face the whole time. tazer just rolls his eyes and skates harder than usual, hard enough for the both of them.
hedgehogs must need more sleep or something, because kaner hedgehog is basically immobile when tazer retrieves him from coach q in the locker room.
"what the hell, kaner?" tazer says as he tries to poke at kaner's stomach, make him react. kaner twitches a bit, and makes an unhappy snuffling sound, before curling up even tighter.
seabs is looking at them with a lopsided grin on his face. "maybe he's hibernating. it's almost winter."
tazer looks at the hedgehog, still in his hand, and feels a tug of worry. he makes himself grin anyway. "lazy bastard, he just wants to sleep."
when tazer gets home he googles hedgehog hibernation habits anyway, just to make sure. he scrolls down the wikipedia page, and stiffens when he reads:
Domesticated species prefer a warm climate (above 22 °C, 72 °F) and do not naturally hibernate. Attempts to hibernate due to lowered body temperatures can be fatal, but are easily reversed if caught quickly (within a few days).
"shit," he murmurs to himself, and stands up to turn the thermostat up. he hesitates for a bit, before going to wrap kaner hedgehog up in a fleece towel and putting the bundle of kaner near a heating vent. then he sits in front of the tv and watches replays of games on silent, waiting for kane hedgehog to start grunting about being swaddled up.
and then later, when I'm telling
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extemporally about thisme: my next ficbit is going to involve tazer bringing a lady home to bang and apparently hedgehogs vomit a lot when they're stressed out?
so the next morning kaner hedgehog is going to be VOMMING EVERYWHERE
/is cruel
L: LOL
LOL
LOLLLLLLLLLLLL
oh goddddddddd
me: sad hedgehog is sad
L: actually do it
actually write this fic
that is so great
OH MY GOD VOMITING *____*
this derangement is brought to you by the pain caused by the blackhawks being shit at playoffs and essay avoidance
This entry was originally posted at http://oliphaunts.dreamwidth.org/11
